The following text is our personal adoption story, from our first thoughts of adoption to the present. We hope you will enjoy our journey to our dear sweet son. Lin and Leo
IN THE BEGINNING
Leo and I were married on Oct. 31, 99. Being in our mid 40's the discussion on more children was short. We both had children from our previous lives, and we were 40 something, end of discussion. We were both quite happy.
One month later, our lives would be changed forever! November is National Adoption Month. I watched a TV show celebrating adoption, and my curiosity was piqued. I must admit adoption was some that had always interested me, quite possibly because my brother and I were both adopted. My first husband and I explored adoption while struggling with infertility and Leo's now 18-year-old daughter was adopted domestically.
At the end of the show, I went directly to the website mentioned on this program. This site exclusively discussed domestic adoption. From there I began exploring international adoption. I found myself sitting at the computer looking at photo listings for several hours each day. I naturally assumed that if we went forward, we would adopt a little girl; after all, we were experienced with girls, having 3 between us! After a few months of thought I decided that this was something I wanted to further explore, it was time to talk with my dear hubby. Two weeks later we were receiving packets of information from several agencies, and Leo was as into this as I was!!!
My focus on girls changed when Leo suggested a boy. It's as if a light went off. I hadn't even looked at listings of boys, but the idea was very exciting!
I had read about a local family who hosted a brother and sister recently, and contacted the agency mentioned. They immediately sent us a video of a 6-year-old boy in Perm. I was very uncomfortable with the one or two person operation of this agency, which didn't follow through as we expected them to, and after contacting the family, my suspicions were confirmed. I came across the A-PARENT-RUSS online support group. We gathered suggestions of agencies to talk with from recommendations on this list. The folks there were incredibly helpful. After examining information, we felt very comfortable with our decision to use Genesis/Amrex, in Georgia, which meant we had to then research local agencies to do our home study. We choose Cradle of Hope.
It was time now to share our plans with our girls! Sarah (12) was totally thrilled, and placed her order for a sister! We told her we had decided on a boy, and that was ok with her too. Melissa (20) was as excited as if she had just given birth! Amber (18) said "that's cool." We decided to keep our plans only between us for the time being. We wanted everything in place when we shared our news with the rest of the clan. I also knew that my mother's reaction would not be positive, and I didn't want any clouds hanging over our plans.
COH sent us the initial paperwork, and included in that packet was a fee schedule for child placement services and a flyer of waiting children. Their fees, when compared to Genesis and some of the others we had looked at were on the high side, but I looked at the waiting children's flyer, and there were two little guys I thought could fit into our family. As it turns out, they both had a "special need" and their fees were reduced. When Leo returned home from work, I placed this flyer in his hands, and he was especially drawn to Roman. We called Cradle to inquire about these guys. At that time, one was 3 yrs old, and the other was 4. We decided on a preschooler out of sheer selfishness! We wanted to skip the nighttime feedings and diaper changes! Two days later we had a video in our player of both these guys. We watched this tape several times, and reviewed their medical information. I wish we could have taken both these kids into our lives, but we couldn't. The picture of Roman in the flyer showed a very small boy with a sweet little face. Both of his feet were in turned, with toes pointing at each other. I'm quite sure that both his adorable face, and sad little feet made us decide he was the one. On his video he appeared to be bright and alert, and seemed to entertain his caregivers. Since Roman was in the orphanage from birth, the video showed him at ages 2,3 and 3.5
The home study was very time consuming. I had asked Cradle to give me the list of requirements for our dossier, so we could work on both the home study and dossier at the same time. They were unwilling to do this, as we hadn't officially retained them as our child placement agency. We had already submitted our paperwork to the INS, and had our passport applications in.
After sharing the video with orthopedic surgeons at both Johns Hopkins and A.I Dupont Institute and hearing from both that his feet could be corrected, we said YES! We had also consulted with Dr. Jenista, an international adoption specialist who had significant concerns about Romans size, and lack of speech on the video. Leo was comfortable accepting Roman without this consult, I wanted to have the medical info reviewed. We took the leap of faith, and prayed that Dr Jenista was being over precautious.
Soon after accepting Roman, we came across a family who had spent time with him a year prior, and had taken pictures of him while adopting their little girl. Later down the road we came across another family who had also met Roman, and described him as sweet and calm. Music to our ears.
At this time we learned that the new President of Russia had changed the adoption laws, and agencies not accredited by the Russian government were not permitted to facilitate adoptions. NO agency was accredited. Everything in the adoption world slowed for a while, and many families decide to move their plans of adopting from Russia, to another country. If we hadn't accepted a child, and fallen in love with him, we might have considered moving to another country also, since no one knew for sure what the new laws would entail, but we were totally committed to Roman. We would wait as long as necessary. Adoptions that were processed prior to April were being completed, which was good news, although it didn't affect us.
I had met two other families on line who were also adopting from Khabarovsk! We decided to create our own little support group, of three. From there, as we met other families adopting from Khabarovsk we included them. Leo suggested we open a list server and by June we had 22 families subscribing!!
In June, one of these families traveled to Khabarovsk to adopt their two baby boys, from hospital #9. They offered to try to get to orphanage #1 to visit Roman. We didn't know if they would be allowed, but the mom (Tanya) was allowed to visit with Roman and gave us a full report via email, from Khabarovsk. We had sent a donation for the home, a letter for the director, telling her we were working on adopting Roman, some vitamins for him, and a little toy. The director was thrilled that someone was coming for Roman. Because of his disability he had been passed over his entire 3.5 years in the orphanage. The director was worried that we would stop our efforts to adopt Roman, as the law was then requiring two trips to Russia to complete an adoption. We loved him, and the new law wasn't going to stop us, just increase the length of time it would take to pay off this adoption!
During the summer of 2000, several of the families from our list server were traveling to Khabarovsk, and everyone looked in on Roman. All reports were glowing. One family even took some video footage of our little man!
8/22/00 our dossier is complete, and on it's way to Cradle! HOORAY! Now it was time to sit back and wait for a travel date for trip number one. During this time I made arrangements for my 20-year-old daughter Melissa to take care of my 12-year-old daughter, Sarah, for the week or so we would be away, and I finished painting Romans room! I saw a cute little stencil of a choo choo train in a catalog and from it, I made my own larger stencil, and painted a train going over a green hill across two of the walls!
COH estimated that we would have to wait 3 to 3.5 months for our first trip, which meant the beginning of December. We couldn't stand the thought of waiting so long after spending so much time and energy getting to this point. This had been going on long enough, and Roman needed his mama and papa as much as we needed him! Waiting for the "call" of our travel date was the worst part of the entire journey. After two weeks of waiting, every phone call brought a ray of hope that IT would be THE call. Finally the call came!!!! It had been only five weeks since our dossier was sent to Russia; we were to travel in ten days to meet our son departing on 10/6/2000 from JFK. During these weeks of waiting, we used Romans room to start our packing, and had also spent time buying gifts and donations to bring along with us. I also killed time by holiday shopping, and tucking things away. So much was already done, but there was still so much to do!
TRIP #1
We drove from Maryland to New York the evening before our flight, so we would be well rested. As we were waiting in line at the airport, an older Russian couple, in Russian, greeted us! HA! We were fooling them already!! They shared with us the purpose of their trip. The woman's sister, living in Moscow was quite ill. We told them we were traveling to adopt a little boy, and as always, I pulled out my mini photo album to show off our little guy. The woman was overwhelmed with emotion when she talked about all the children in need of homes in Russia, and she thanked us. Her tears were contagious, her husband started about the same time my eyes welled up. It was very touching. After checking in, and before boarding we met several other couples that were also on their adoption journeys. We all talked and exchanged photos for the couple of hours we had to kill before boarding. The flight to Moscow went smoothly, and I only needed to use one of the xanax I requested from my doc. (I am quite afraid of flying!) Nine hours later we were landing in Moscow. The adoption agency driver who was supposed to be at the airport to greet us was nowhere to be found, instead there was a group of Russian men calling outtaxi-taxi. We asked a driver how much he wanted to drive us to the Novotel Hotel, he replied $45. And we kept walking. We knew we were only minutes away. He came up behind us and said $15. We agreed to pay 15. If he would take us to the hotel across from the Novotel if our first choice was full. He didn't understand our request and asked a fellow driver to translate. This man thought we needed directions to the Novotel and told us to walk straight ahead for 5 minutes and we would see both hotels. You should have seen the face on the driver 31 as he watched us walk away! Woops!
The Sherimotivo Hotel looked rather run down, so we were happy to hear the Novotel had a room for us. We asked the folks at Allways Travel, who arranges all travel plans for Cradle to book a room for us, but they refused. They told us they knew nothing of this hotel, and couldn't guarantee our safety if we used any facility other than the ones they offered. Turns out the Novotel was the nicest, cleanest and safest of all the places we stayed in Russia. Allways tried to sell us a ride to Moscow city for $65, a day of "services"(driver and translator) at $125. And a ride back to the airport for another $65.I don't think so! The Novotel offers a day rate of $95 if you need the room for under 6-7 hours. $120 for 8 hrs. We slept like babies for 7 hours! It felt like we had only been asleep 20 minutes when the alarm went off! (We had talked with Cradle in Moscow earlier, and we were told that they had us booked to be picked up from the hotel, not the airport. We actually didn't want any rides, since they charged $85. to take you from the international airport to the domestic airport, but Cradles operations director said we did it their way, or not at all. Can you tell we were very dissatisfied with Allways travel services??
Our coordinator, Natasha met us in the hotel lobby at the agreed upon time, and we were taken to the domestic airport, about 5-7 minutes drive from the international airport. After we were settled in, we decided we were hungry and tried our luck at ordering something from the Russian vendor. (We bought a few rubles at JFK.) We tried to order a hot dog and fries, and ended up with a fat sausage (no roll) and a slice of stale bread. No matter, we were satisfied!
At the domestic airport gate, we all loaded into a standing room only bus to get across the tarmac to the airplane. Understanding the overhead announcements of which planes were boarding was rather useless. We couldn't understand a thing that was being announced, but we knew what time our plane was do to leave, and we asked the ticket checker at each announcement. (By ask, I mean we said "Khabarovsk?") I love APR, but we had heard horror stories there about the domestic planes being held together with duct tape, of broke seats and the like, but I'm thrilled to report that the plane looked fine, and after surviving the first flight, I felt like an old pro. I did not need the xanax! Actually this plane was more comfortable, a bit roomier than the international plane, with good legroom, and more bathrooms. The food on both flights was equallyokay! Our friend Carole, making her second trip was on our flight, but due to short notice had to book her flight in first class at an extra fee of $100. Each way. The only difference I saw was that the seats up there were a bit thicker, she was served a glass of champagne with dinner, and the smoke in that cabin could have cooked an entire meat house!
We landed in Khabarovsk at 11 am, Sunday morning, and we were greeted by our interpreter, Irina, and driver, Sasha, who took us to the Central Hotel, located in the city, across from the court house, and within walking distance to a few restaurants and shopping, if the weather permits. We even walked to the Mogley one day when our driver was not available. (More on Mogley later.) We were quite sure we would have to wait until Monday to meet our son, and were thrilled to learn that we would be picked up at 1:30 for an afternoon visit.
Irina and Sasha escorted us to our room at the Central, and as they were leaving, Irina informed us that the central heat and hot water would not be turned on until mid October. Ten days away. I complained that the room was freezing, and Irina replied, "Welcome to Khabarovsk." We shivered through our fist night, and our coordinator lent us a portable heater for the remainder of our stay!
The drive to the orphanage felt almost familiar, as we had seen videos of Khabarovsk. We had memorized the "great room" where parents and children are always introduced.
We were SO excited and nervous about meeting the little boy we had fallen in love with so many months ago! When we arrived at the orphanage, which was only a 10-minute drive from the hotel, we were asked to wait in a small foyer, while Irina went to take Roman from his group. The great room I had visualized meeting our son in, each night as I drifted off to sleep was being used as a nursery, as the nursery was under renovation. Out walked Irina holding the hand of a 4.5 year old, who looked 2. I couldn't believe how tiny he was. Although I knew his weight and height, he still seemed like a baby to me. Of course he had a baby toddle to his walk, because of his clubbed feet. Roman was a bit nervous when he met us. Poor little guy! I knew how we felt, we had been preparing for this day for so long. Roman only learned that his mama and papa were coming that very day. After we said hello, we dug into our bag of tricks. Other families who had met Roman before us told us he loved matchbox cars, so they came out first. Papa sat on the floor, and Roman sat a few feet away from him, as they shuffled cars back and forth to each other. I tried to get in on the action, but Roman wasn't too interested in mama at that moment. After the cars came a beach ball that he could kick around this small space we were in. Roman was a bit aggressive in his play. We brought snacks along to work on fattening him up. He happily gobbled up the applesauce and drank from a juice box for the first time. It was actually quite amusing, as the straw worked it's way out of the box, Irina tapped it back in. From then on, he would tap the straw, thinking that was the way to get the juice up! We spent about two hours together, when it was time for Roman to return to his group. During our time together, I was able to wiggle my way into playing with him when I introduced him to crayons and a coloring book. In this book, I colored in a pattern, and he was able to duplicate the pattern. More than anything else, he was thrilled with a little photo album we had made for him, with pictures of our immediate family. By the end of our first visit, he could point out, and say the names of mama, papa, two of his sisters, babushka, Aunt Sherry and Uncle Mitch. He was clinging to me, and did not want to return to the group, but was proud to show his teachers his new photos. We promised to return the next day, and he was okay with that. We were quite impressed at how bright this little guy was.
As we were leaving, we were told that Roman was informed earlier that day that mama and papa were coming, and he spent the entire day telling everyone that his mama and papa were coming!
The next morning when we arrived at the orphanage, I bent down, as Roman and I made eye contact. He came running into my arms. What a wonderful feeling that was! Again we brought some snacks, and our little guy munched on the candy papa had brought for him. That afternoon we were allowed to take Roman off the grounds, something that is rarely done. I honestly think we were permitted to do this because we were working with Cradle, and they seemed to be very well respected in Khabarovsk. We were taken to a play center named Mogley, after the main character in Jungle Book. Its design was from Jungle Book as well. Mogley's main feature was a climbing tunnel similar to those in Check E. Cheese. There were karaoke and computer video games for the older set, and some other toys, blocks and playhouses for the little ones. We paid $3. For each hour of play, and to this day can't understand how the local folks could afford such fees. (Translators and drivers were paid about 15. per day, but many people had to work a week to earn that amount.) Roman had a blast. When we returned to the orphanage Leo paid a little attention to another little guy. Roman proceeded to bop this child with a rather bossy "nyet."
Although we had brought a duffle bag of donations for Romans group, we wanted to do more, and went to the local toy store for a few more goodies. This store was located on the Amur River; China was on the other side! Prices were considerably higher there than what we would have paid in the states. The economy had us a bit baffled, and still to this day we can't figure out how toys we buy in the US that were made in China are less expensive here than in Russia. Anyway, the teachers and children were thrilled to see the goodies.
We met with the orphanage director, who was quite thrilled that we were becoming a family. Baby home #1 is for children up to three years old. Roman was 4.5, but remained there because instead of moving onto the next children's home with his peers, he would have been sent to a facility for children with disabilities. The baby home retained him in hopes of matching him with a family!
Our coordinator met with the Minister of Education in an effort to discuss the urgency of getting Roman to the US, ASAP, so we could start his medical interventions. The Min. of Ed supported this request and had made a request to expedite the paperwork that was coming from Moscow. We were hoping and praying that things could move quickly enough to bring our son home with us on this trip.
That evening we went to the Parus Hotel for dinner, and celebrated the completed adoption of two families.
Day three, our son came running to us with lots of hugs and kisses. He was a riot! Just so full of personality with a wonderful sense of humor. (In addition to his high intelligence of course!!)
After a little bit of play, Roman announced that he had to go cocket. I took him to the bathroom, which had a cabinet of small boxes, each with a number on it. Roman went to his number, removed the plastic potty insert, placed it in the potty chair, did his thing, dumped and rinsed the plastic insert, returned it to it's numbered box, washed up, and was ready for more play. I was quite taken aback to see how independent he was. Even the 2 and 3 year olds in his group followed this routine.
Roman was becoming used to our visits, was calling us mama and papa, and was having a tough time when it was time for us to leave. Leo was noticing that Roman would kiss him, but resisted being kissed by him, because of his mustache, so, that evening, off it came! The next morning one of the teachers commented on the missing mustache, and said it was a sacrifice. Sacrifice and parenting go hand in hand, right? Anyway, how could one possibly live without those sweet Roman kisses?
Again, we were hoping that paperwork would progress, and we would be able to have our court date before having to return home. In addition to wanting to begin medical intervention, we knew this little guy couldn't really comprehend why he had a mama and papa in his live for a few days, and they vanished, even though we knew the staff would help him remember that we would return, he wouldn't really get it.
Things didn't go the way we had hoped. Leo and I were both emotional wrecks. Who knew how long it would be until we would get a court date, and finally be able to bring this little guy home. We went to visit our baby one last time before starting our journey home. We had booked a few days in Moscow so we could tour the city before heading home, but at this point, I just wanted to get home. I had lost interest in touring Moscow. I was devastated. Our way to the airport, we stopped for a short visit with Roman. Irina explained to him that we had to return home to buy clothes for him, and to get his room ready. She reported to us "he said he would wait." Again I was in tears, and my eyes are tearing up now as I recall these moments. He seemed like he understood what she was saying, but he showed no emotion.
When you stay at a hotel in Russia, they mark your visa with the dates you were there. Apparently our hotel missed some dates, and this caused some delays in getting our boarding passes, but our coordinator straightened things out. When we went through the metal detector, something we had set it off. We got through that. As we went through the last check point (where visitors could no longer accompany you, we also had a problem, as the two Russian only speaking clerks looked and reviewed our paperwork. Finally, we made it though to the waiting area. We did end up spending two nights in Moscow. I was secretly hoping that our paperwork would somehow be completed and we would be called to hop on a plane and collect our son. No such luck. Moscow was a wonderful city, and we were glad we had set aside the time to visit while the weather was still tolerable, and without a child who would have been bored!
In Moscow we stayed at the Arbut Hotel. A three star facility, or so they say! It was okay. Nothing special, other than it's location. We were able to walk to Arbut Street for some great shopping and eateries (many with menus in English.) There were usually a few different types of street entertainers performing, as well as the occasional child, playing an organ with a cup set out in front of him. I truly wanted to scoop these little ones up and take them home with us. At 9pm they were outside trying to earn money, I wanted to bathe them and tuck them in bed!
Friday, October 13,2000 A day we will never forget. (No. We didn't get "THE CALL! It was the 13th!!)
We arrived at the Moscow airport a few hours before boarding time, got our boarding passes, and just killed time in the loading area. Finally it was time to board for New York. We were in line to board the plane, when a clerk approached us and asked our name. We were told there was a "problem" with our tickets. The date was the 13th, and our tickets said the 12th as the departure date. We explained that the travel agent had made an error, and when we brought it to the agent's attention, she cleared the correction with Aeroflot. It didn't matter. They had no record of this, and our choice was to pay the change fee of $150. Per person, or stay in Russia! Leo agreed to go to the office with the clerk to pay by charge. They promised to hold the plane, and I sat there with our carry on luggage. After waiting 20 mins, I was getting a not so easy feeling, and just then the clerk who had explained the problem to us so well in English, asked me to follow her. When I asked her what was going on, she no longer spoke English. Now I had a really bad feeling, as I was led into an office, and a uniformed officer demanded my passport, visa and boarding pass. Leo then appeared at the other side of the office, and was detained behind a gate. We were not allowed to join each other. I kept asking what was happening, as the officer was writing in my visa. I finally called to Leo, and he had no idea either. He said they processed the credit card, he signed the receipt, a clerk then came over to the desk he was sitting at and ripped the receipt into pieces. Still, no one would tell us what was going on. We both thought we were getting arrested. Of course we had done nothing wrong, but innocent people go to jail, andwe were in Russia! Again I asked the officer what was going on (they had just allowed Leo to join meso I was being brave. (Behind the tears) we were simply told to "Go to Moscow." Still we didn't know what was wrong.
We walked out of this office, and into the general population of the airport. We wandered around, looking for a phone, and the one I found didn't work. We happened into the Aeroflot supervisor's office, and asked to use the phone. We called Cradle's Moscow office, which informed us that they would send someone for us. As we sat on the floor waiting for about 10 minutes, in walked one of our list server friends, her new daughter, and her bilingual escort!! We explained the situation and the escort told us to stay where we were, he would get Carole on her flight, and return to help us. And he did. I sat with the luggage (hey. I was getting used to this job by now) as he and Leo went to talk to the US Consulate, who has an office right in the Moscow airport. (PLEASE REMEMBER THAT. You just never know!!) They were able to get to the bottom our problem. Apparently, the plane was ordered to either take off, or be grounded, so they left while Leo was paying the change of date fees. It was that simple. Why the HELL couldn't someone has just explained that to us?? The escort took Leo over to the ticket counter to purchase tickets for the following day. Just after that, the driver from Cradle arrived. They had sent us a Russian only speaking driver. Thank goodness we ran into Carole and her wonderful escort Igor! We had the Cradle driver take us over to the Novotel, where we spent the night. We compensated the driver with a $20. Tip for this five-minute drive to the hotel, but we were still billed $65. By Allways for the useless service they provided. We were happy knowing our situation was easily corrected, but so very upset that no one from Aeroflot would take the minute it would have required to explain the situation to us. Of course we weren't very happy with the travel agency we used either. They should have known they needed to reissue our tickets.
There we were at the Novotel, once again. Between the change of ticket fees, hotel room and meals, we had an unexpected expense of $600. After this fiasco, we had a smooth flight home the next morning.
HOME AT LAST
Each day felt like a week. We had no idea when we would be making our second trip. Several families had to wait 2-3 months at this point before notification of a court date. But, the call came, only 3.5 weeks after we returned home. We felt incredibly lucky. I had been out one morning, and when I returned, there was a message from the agency, asking that I return the social workers call. All other calls had a message attached, this one didn't. I had a feeling, and it was soon confirmed. We were to leave on Nov. 13th for arrival in Khabarovsk on November 15th, for our Nov 16th court date.
TO RUSSIA, AGAIN!
We drove to my mother's home near Kennedy airport, where we had dinner with family, and later spent the night. My brother drove us to the airport the next day. The flight was uneventful. We had a 5.5-hour layover between flights, so we spent the time at the lounge in the Novotel. The second flight was long and tiring. Khabarovsk is about a 9-hour flight from Moscow.
We settled into our room, and relaxed a bit until we were picked up for the ride to see our baby, finally! Roman warmed up to us again, rather easily although the testing was beginning. Again, we had only a small waiting room to visit in, and entertaining a little guy twice a day for two hours wasn't easy. One our first trip, Roman delighted in playing with our watches, so, of course this time we brought him a Winnie the Pooh watch, which totally delighted him. When the button was pushed, Pooh pooped out, and he wanted to show this neat new toy to anyone who passed by!
THE COURT HEARING
I was rather nervous about the hearing, but my cool calm and collected sweetheart of a hubby was not. Our coordinator came to our hotel the night prior to hearing to prepare us for proper courtroom protocol.
The inside of the courtroom looked like a college classroom from the 1970's. Very informal rows of single chairs faced the judges old oat colored desk, and a blackboard hung on the wall behind. To the left of the judge's desk was a desk with two chairs. One for the court secretary, one for the prosecutor. We were told we had the "nice judge." I had heard about the "mean short male judge" and was so happy to know we wouldn't be meeting him today!
We were told to stand, introduce ourselves and hand our passports to the judge. When we were asked which one of us was going to speak first. Leo agreed to do this, and I was thankful, as I would have fallen apart I think. Leo was grilled by both the judge and the prosecutor about income. They had expected a written breakdown of our income and expenses. There was no such document presented to them, and so they questioned Leo extensively. They questioned our financial ability to raise a child on an "average" salary. I don't work, and Leo's salary is probably twice the average US salary. We could only conclude that the majority of US people coming before them were wealthy.
Next we were both asked general questions, such as why we don't have a baby biologically. They were quite okay with Leo's explanation of having been sterilized to prevent his first wife from being pregnant, as it would have been harmful to her health. We were asked why we wanted this particular child, what our health coverage included, how our other children felt about us adopting, and we were asked to explain why we were asking the court to waive the 10 day waiting period.
Our agency was reprimanded for not having our financial statement, or detailed information about post placement visits, and about another regulation, which I can no longer recall. We were also reprimanded for not insuring that the agency presented the proper paperwork. Court recessed, while the judge made her decision. We were told to expect to wait about 40 minutes. We were a little worried that the lack of all the required documents would be a problem, but our interpreter thought everything was okay, and informed us that the prosecutor objected to the 10 days being waived.
The judge ruled in our favor, and the following day we would be given custody of Roman, full time. We thought this was wonderful, as he was always so unhappy when it was time for us to leave him.
The suite we had at the Central Hotel was rather small, unlike the one we had on our first trip. We did have a refrigerator, and were able to stock up a bit. There was a small café in the lobby of the hotel, where we ate most of our meals, usually for under $2. Per person!
The day after court, we arrived at the orphanage, and spend a little time with Roman before meeting with the director, Dr. Ludova. She explained to us, through our translator that Roman was now our son, and we had custody of him, but the orphanage still was his guardian, until the 10 days had passed. We had Roman present gifts to her, and she was most pleased with the photo of herself with Roman, taken on our first trip.
I think our little boy wrote the book on testing! He looked at us as nothing more than playthings, and did not comply with any of our requests. He is extremely bright, and we knew he understood. Our mission now was to help him realize that mama and papa are the bosses, not toys!
Roman loved the bath we gave him the first night. He washed himself (and did a wonderful job) brushed his teeth, combed his hair and put on his PJ's. Bedtime however was not pleasant. He refused to lie down in his bed. Eventually we turned off the lights and TV, and we lay down in our bed. There was some light shining through the window, and this provided him enough light to get down on the floor, and examine the toys we had brought.
We fell asleep. When I awoke during the night, I found he had climbed into his little bed, and was fast asleep, sitting up. He had the photos from the little album we had made for him scattered around the bed.
4:30 am our little man decided it was time to start the day. He resumed his floor play, and although exhausted, I join him, so Leo could hopefully sleep a bit longer. Leo awoke about 6, and I have to admit, I then lay down for another two hours. At 8am, I offered Roman a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which he refused. Then I made oatmeal for us all, and he devoured that!
On each floor of the Central Hotel is a large pot of hot water. Each room has a teapot, cups, dishes, silverware, etc. So adding some hot water to instant cereal was easy. We also filled our teapot each evening with hot water, so we could use it the next morning to brush out teeth.
The next morning
When we are picked up, we start running errands. We get Romans passport photo taken, and do a little shopping for gifts and souvenirs. While we browsing, I stumbled on a beautiful blue and white tea set, and I think of my darling daughter Melissa, who was just about drooling when she saw the tea set I had purchased in Moscow for myself, and my best friend, Janie. It surely wasn't something I thought a twenty year old would be interested in, but she loved them, and so we purchased this set for her, along with etched teaspoons for both her and Janie. We bought a set of teaspoons in Moscow, but it was the last one!
Both in Moscow and in Khabarovsk, the clerk went through each piece of china to check for any damage, and then packaged the sets up for travel. For under $75. Per set, we got a lovely teapot with lid, service for 6 of teacups, saucers, dessert dishes, and a large serving dish. Quite a good buy. Each piece was marked "Made in Russia." And will be a wonderful reminder of our journey with each use. Melissa's set is most special however, because it was purchased in Khabarovsk.
After shopping, we set out to find a Chinese restaurant that was recommended by friends. As with all the eateries we had so far experienced, the food was so-so. It's quite interesting ordering a meal in a foreign land, although many places had menus written in English, we were still not sure what we were getting. As if we might have intentionally ordered gristle soup! HA! At the Intourist one morning, we ordered, "smoked sausage" for breakfast one morning, and we were served hot dogs with our eggs!
We returned to our room after lunch in hopes of taking a nap. After all, the children all rest from 12-2 at the children's home, but Roman made sure we knew we were no longer at the home! Leo entertained Roman for a bit, until Natasha and Tatiana came to the door to discuss plane tickets. We were very tired, and decided to stay in for the evening. We gave Roman dinner, we weren't to hungry after that luscious lunch of whatever it was, and get Roman ready to wind down with a bath and jamies. Again, Roman does not want to sleep. I sent Leo to bed and I stayed with Roman, trying to get him to settle in. After a few hours of this, Roman takes me by the hand, escorts me to my bed, as if he were putting ME to bed. I stayed there, so I could see what his intentions were. He quietly went to the toys on the floor, and played. I drifted off to sleep, and when I awoke, I found my boy in a pile of toys, asleep! I put him in bed, and he sleeps though to 6:45. YEAH! He is getting the idea! Our first night together, he wet the bed, so he was in a pull up, but it was dry!
8:15 am we venture out to a restaurant that is supposed to have western style fare. It was very cold out; we froze as we walked across Lenin Square. Roman was bundled in a snowsuit, and was being carried, so he was content. We didn't find it! Apparently we didn't walk far enough. We dined once again in the hotel café. The food there was ok, but they have a very limited menu, and we usually had the same things day in and day out. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pelmini (beef broth with ravioli type dumplings), a small salad of apples, cucumbers and cheese with mayo, sandwiches with no top slice of bread, or pelmini with butter and dill. Oh, we also had hot dogs. This was the fare. After a few days, we would have killed for eggs and bacon, or even some toast and butter! Coffee there is served in small cups, and we finally started asking for it in regular teacups. Hot tea was served with sugar in it, and was quite a treat, as we always drank it plain. The dessert menu consisted of a choice of two types of packaged ice cream!
Roman was becoming quite well known in the hotel. He happens to be very good looking, very outgoing, and a real charmer. Everyone at the hotel was falling in love with this kid. Floor clerks asked for his hugs, others who we never even smiled during our first trip, had wide smiles when they saw us coming with Roman in tow.
Sunday morning we received a call saying we would be picked up along with the three other Cradle families for a trip to see a black bear. We didn't quite know what to expect. We drove about ½ hour to a hotel/restaurant whose main feature was a caged black bear. Roman had no interest. After visiting the bear, we all went to the restaurant. It was wonderful to have other Americans to chat with. The main topic of course was the presidential elections. The Russians were quite amused that we still had no idea if Bush or Gore would be our new leader! Actually, I suppose we all got a chuckle out of the situation that had no been going on for over a month! At the end of the meal. All three drivers got up and got their hats and coats on. We knew then who would be picking up the tab, and we all had a good laugh about it.
In the evening I called the kids at home. It felt wonderful talking to them, I was so homesick, and missed them terribly. I actually cried when Melissa answered the phone and I heard her voice! I learned that Sarah had been scratched in the eye by a friend's dog. She had gone to the doctor, and she was fine. The month before, the kids at school had been selling magazine subscriptions, and Sarah won a lunch at McDonalds, and the kids were taken there by limousine. She was so glad she didn't have to miss this long awaited for reward. Melissa has been updating everyone at home about our progress, in between our e-mails home. There is an email center in town, but the lines are long, so we used the Internet connection at the Parus Hotel.
MONDAY 11/20
We went to the "Chinese Market" that so many people raved about. It was 5 degrees out, quite nippy to say the least. We purchased a few pairs of PJs for Roman, but that was about it. There were lots of coats and shoes for sale, and loads of booths of pure junk.
We really didn't care to spend much time there. The booths were laid out in rows, and the vendors all had a good chance to gawk at Roman's feet. By the time we got to the end of a row, the word was already out, and they were just waiting
For the chance to stare. We didn't stay very long, they didn't deserve our business.
We spent the afternoon at the Mogley. If you are in Khabarovsk with a child over age two, don't miss this place. By US standards, it's nothing fanominal, but it was a wonderful place to entertain Roman, and kill time. The motif is from Jungle Book, with climbing apparatus, toys and a snack bar.
Nine days until we would leave Khabarovsk. We were so ready to get out of Dodge. Roman was testing us now, non-stop. Waking up in the middle of the night to explore the water in the toilet, unravel the paper, play with the TV, radio, lights, everything was fun and interesting to him, but quite frankly, he was driving us nuts. When we would go to eat out, he wouldn't stay in his seat. If we gave him the liberty to leave the table, he would approach other diners and snatch something from their table. A utensil, napkin, whatever his little hand could reach. Others found this to be cute, which didn't help us when we were trying to correct him. An older babushka in the lobby of our hotel had a little newsstand. The first time Roman grabbed one of her newspapers, she let it go. The second time, she actually came at him, trying her hardest to slap his hand. As a natural reaction, Leo blocked her from reaching him, but in hindsight, maybe he would have learned a good lesson. All of our days were like this. In the lobby of another hotel we visited, Roman tried to snatch a mans handbag. (I'm not too sure what men's bags are called, but many men carried something like a handbag.) His actions were always met with a chuckle. Often times we had to physically restrain Roman from getting into trouble. His reaction was to bite, pinch and scratch. All the while acting as if he was being hurt. We didn't give in. We would hold him and let him scream. What option did we have? We both, in our private thoughts were wondering what the hell we had gotten ourselves into. We started this journey in an effort to help a child, to make a difference, and this wasn't the reward we had hoped for. In reading the APR (on line support group) we read about all these sweet wonderful new families, about how well children were adjusting to their new lives. What was happening with us?
TUESDAY NOVEMBER 21,2000.
We were informed that our driver would not be available until noon, and we would be called at 10 or 11 am with an update. Our driver would be busy running another family on errands to finish up their paperwork. 12:45 we received a call, saying that the driver would not be available until 3. We decided to venture out on our own. We took a cab to the Parus for lunch and some Internet time, and walked from there to the Mogley. Khabarovsk City is small, and after being there a few days, we knew where everything was. We walked back to our hotel after some playtime, and when we returned, our driver was available. We were tired, and declined services for the day.
WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 22,2000
Again we were informed that our driver would be unavailable, as three families would need transport to the airport.
Melissa called to let us know that she had been rear ended, and transported by ambulance to the hospital for back pain. (She was given Motrin and discharged.) Her car was in bad shape, and had to be towed to a body shop. This sort of information would have been digested better, once we were on US soil!!
THANKSGIVING
We were in Russia, no such thing as Thanksgiving! Again we were away from the kids on Thanksgiving. The year before we were sitting on a beautiful cruise ship, surfing the Caribbean, celebrating our wedding! I called the girls to wish them a great day, and they jokingly asked where we would be next Thanksgiving!! We planned to have a belated Thanksgiving celebration when we returned home. Boy, would we be giving thanks!
FRIDAY
We visited the art, history and military museums, followed by 2 hours at the good ole Mogley!
SATURDAY
We had breakfast at the Intourist, where we began our video journal of Khabarovsk. Our intention was to be able to share the video with those who would follow us on their adoption journeys, and to get some footage for video clips for this website. We spent some time filming the sights we had visited, and also spent some time at the tent and farmers market. I found the farmers market to be most interesting. Housed in a huge open warehouse were probably two thousand shoppers buying the wares of the hundreds of vendors. The place was mobbed. Meat was butchered on tree stumps, and placed on tables in the open air, the scraps discarded in a pile on the floor. (Scrapple anyone??) As usual, we finished off the day with some playtime at the Mogley.
MONDAY NOVEMBER 27
We visited an orphanage for children 5-12. The kids there are offered an elective in ecology, horticulture, and small animal care. They even had a monkey as a pet! What a wonderful program this was for the children. We met two girls who were about 9-10. As always, I wanted to scoop them up and take them home with us. Its gut wrenching to me that there is even one child without someone who loves him or her.
In the afternoon we shopped for a few little gifts for staff in Khabarovsk. While in one shop, with no other shoppers, but about 8 clerks behind the counter, Roman was being occupied by Leo. When Leo diverted his attention from Roman, he bites him on the inner thigh, and through the jeans, and drew blood. Leo screamed out and everyone was stunned for a moment till we knew what had happened. As usual, everyone laughed at the antics of a little boy!
Can you guess how we killed a few hours in the late afternoon this day?
We were supposed to bring Roman back to the orphanage for a visit, and to give a little farewell party, but our coordinator was held up in Komsolmolsk with another family, so that agenda was be put off by a day.
TUESDAY NOVEMBER 28
We completed our paperwork in Khabarovsk. Collected Romans passport, adoption decree and birth certificate. We then went to the orphanage. Roman was very excited to be going back to visit his friends and teachers, but was also happy to say goodbye, and leave. We dropped off our donations, and those of some friends who had sent along money for toys and fresh fruit. The staff was overwhelmed with the amount of goodies we brought. We had purchased 3 ride-on cars, assorted toys, and a case each of apples and bananas. The teachers doted on Roman, as they each said goodbye. The children were in bed for their naps, but not asleep. They had a great time watching Leo assemble toys! Roman went to his old bed and patted the little boy who now occupied it, sweetly on the head.
We had sometime to talk with the teachers, and we learned that Roman loves to clean, and help with the younger children. We were told that when he is mad, he throws things. The teacher said she had never seen him bite, but Leo and I had experienced this first hand, and had been told by a family who spent time with Roman for a month that he does get physical. We also learned that at naptime, all the child sleep, except for Roman, who lies in his bed and plays quietly. There's a surprise! This kid is allergic to sleep!
Next we visited with the director, who we absolutely fell in love with. She wished us well, and asked that we send photos and updates through the years. I promised and I look forward to keeping this promise. I had to hold back the tears, as she said such sweet and heartfelt things to us.
WEDNESDAY
We left the hotel at 1:30 for a 3: 30 flight to Moscow. The airport is only 20 minutes away, but I like to be very early! Roman loved seeing the planes from the airport windows. The flight was okay, until the last 30 minutes, when out of nowhere, Roman was sick to his stomach. He refused to eat during the flight, but we had no other indication that he was not feeling well. We did a quick clothing change, and prepared to land.
We were met at the airport in Moscow by the coordinator, Natasha, and we were driven to our home stay. We had met Olga on our first trip as she spent a day touring the city with us. We liked her very much and asked to stay with her. Roman's tummy was better when we arrived at Olga's and he ate a good dinner.
THURSDAY
We went to the American Medical Center in Moscow for Romans exit exam. (While waiting to be seen, we were approached by a baby broker. We tried to blow him off, but he was relentless there for a while!) Did some paperwork, and a little shopping on Arbut Street. Then returned to Olga's for dinner, and went to bed rather early.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1
Roman was up at 3 am, as expected, due to the time changes. He and I hung out in the kitchen until 6 am, so as not to wake anyone. Leo got up at 8, and I then went back to sleep until 10.
At noon, Leo asked me to get him a cup of tea from the kitchen; Olga had just made a fresh pot. As I was walking with it to our room, I spilled it on my hand and wrist. Olga had some sort of magic medicinal spray, which was wonderful.
Later we had an appointment at the US embassy to get Romans exit visa. This was the first day of the "new system" at the Embassy, and no one was quite sure how smoothly things would run, but everything went well. Our exit interview was under 5 minutes, and we were on our way.
SATURDAY DECEMBER 2
Without a doubt the worst day of our trip. Roman knew we were going to America. He wanted to go by car. He was very upset when he learned we would also be flying. After all, he was sick on the first leg. We had a middle section of the plane, with three seats, and we placed Roman between us. From the onset, he was the kid from hell. He didn't want the seatbelt, once belts could be removed, he didn't want to stay I our row. One row in front of us was someone we had met on the Internet, and her new daughter, so I let Roman go up there to play. He was very happy, but after an hour, I felt like I should have him come back to our seat, and give these folks a break. He was furious. He refused to come back, and when we carried him back, he slithered to the floor to try to get past us. He went into one of his little rages, hitting, kicking, biting, digging nails into our skin, etc. After a few minutes of this, I walked him up to a babushka that was very kind to the little girl in front of us, hoping that maybe she could help calm him down. I was desperate! Roman looked at his and gave her his infamous fist. (He makes this threatening look, with his little fist in position to bop anyone the threat alone doesn't dissuade. (Remember this little guy is the size of a healthy 2 year old, at 27 pounds and 2'10 inches.) After a few minutes he lost his attitude, and we returned to our row. He wanted to wonder around the plane, and this was just not acceptable. The plane was packed and his gate was unsteady from his clubbed feet. We had about 6 nightmarish hours, until he finally fell asleep.
About ½ hour before landing, Roman woke up, happy and refreshed! He was so excited that we were almost in America! My mom (who was against us adopting) had tears in her eyes the moment she saw him, and the two bonded instantly. We went to lunch and Roman was totally captivating. Full of smiles, kisses and hugs. She refused to believe he could have possibly behaved the way he did on the plane. When we got back to grandmas house, my brother and his wife and two little ones arrived to greet the newest member of the family. My sister in law wanted to take Roman home with her! He and his 2.5-year-old cousin played nicely together.
HOME SWEET HOME
Finally, we piled into the car to drive home to two very excited sisters! Our car wouldn't start! Finally a tow service got us on our way, and Roman screamed the first ½ hour of the ride. He didn't care for the car seat one bit! I held his hand, and he finally fell asleep!
Melissa and Sarah were in the driveway, in PJ's when we pulled up! (They knew we were approaching, as they had just called on the cell phone.) We all went in to get acquainted. The journey was finally over, and a new one, that will last our lifetime, begins!
Our first three weeks home were very much like our three weeks in Russia. Constant testing, he would look us in the eyes and do what he knew he shouldn't do. We couldn't even leave the room to use the bathroom without him being supervised, as he would find something to get into. I have to say, these weeks were horrible. He would take his arm and clear off a table of paperwork, it seemed as though the only word in his vocabulary was NO. He wouldn't sleep until he was passed out from exhaustion, and hated sleeping in his room. After a few days we tried letting him sleep with Sarah in her double bed, and he was happy with this, but still staying up until 11 or 12pm. We allowed him to watch TV, as he enjoyed it, and it kept him occupied, although on severl of those first nights, he got into Sarah's things and had them scattered around the room. After about a week, we tried putting them to bed at 830, with TV off at 9, and allowing them to stay up past 9, if they wanted to read. He was not a happy camper, but he did obey, and he did obey the rule of staying in bed. He then started falling asleep by 9. YIPPEE! SOMETHING worked! We were still doing holding times with him. We had read nothing about it, and didn't know we were doing something therapeutic, and we did it our own way, and they worked. When he would go into a rage about not getting his way, he would still hit, kick, bite, and scratch. Even when held down by the two of us, he would try to harm us. Each time after ten minutes or so, he would either agree to calm down and "be a good boy," or he would fall asleep, and wake up in a wonderful mood.
Roman quickly got board of staying home with mommy, and so I planned daily outings. A meal and playtime at McDonalds, a walk and some shopping at the mall (he loves to shop!) a pizza and games at Chucky Cheese, a story time at the library. I had looked into preschools, but I wanted more time with him to bond, before sending him to school. He was home three months before he started a 2 morning a week (2.5 hr day) preschool. In hindsight, he should have started sooner, as he loves school, and would love to go everyday, if possible!
After three weeks home, almost like magic things started to improve. Roman was adjusting. He could accept limits a little more easily, and we were finally starting to all enjoy each other. There were still occasional outbursts, he has bitten his sister a few times, and we still got our share, but he would now obey a time out in his room. We told him "sadeece spacoina" (sit quietly) and he knew he was in time out. He would stay in his room, and was rather loud in his protest. At first he would dump all the toys from his shelve. When time out was over, he had to clean them up. This behavior quickly ended, and time outs then consisted of his loud protest or cries, and then he would play quietly until we came into talk with him, and end the time out. As I write this, I can't even remember the last time he had a time out in his room! We decided we didn't want to make his room a punishment place to dread, and with his growing understanding of English, we were able to give him time outs in a chair, in the room we happen to be in at the time. Even these are infrequent!
Roman is an extremely strong willed child, but he is learning that mommy and papa are the rulers of this castle, and has given up a little of his need to control, mind you I said a little! He still likes to try to dictate and rule, but he understands his parents can overrule him!
MARCH 2001
We've been home 3.5 months now, and things are going smoothly. Roman had his first surgery 6 days ago, and is recuperating nicely. He will have surgery on his other foot in five weeks, and will have many cast changes between now and the end of June, when the casts will finally be off.
Roman is a very bright, sweet kid who loves to give hugs and kisses when he is in the right frame of mind. (Which is seldom when it comes to his sister, who tries so hard!)
He has made great strides in his adjustment to living in a different culture with caretakers who don't change shifts! He has a huge vocabulary, although I think he will need speech therapy for annunciation. He can hear a word for the first time today, and use it in the proper context days from now! He loves school, and as of this moment we plan to have him start kindergarten in September. Academically he can already do the required tasks for beginning school. (He counts to 29, recites the ABCs, recognizes numbers to 12, and most of the ABC's in upper case.) Emotionally and socially he isn't quite there, but school doesn't start for six more months, and if he needs to repeat kindergarten, it's not a huge deal. We would rather have him repeat if needed, then to hold him back a year, and have him unchallenged if we made the wrong decision for him.
Stay tuned for updates!
Lin
